This has been brewing for a while but I figured it's about time I wrote my thoughts out in front of me in the hope that I'll stop acting like a moron. Just as a warning this is going to be something of a ranty post, but if it makes you feel any better I'm ranting at me, not you.
So one of the things I notice on a very regular basis is that I bring misery upon myself. Not on purpose, at least I don't think I do. Nobody wants to be miserable, I know I certainly don't, but somehow I still manage to make it happen.
I consider myself an optimist, when something goes wrong I say to myself: 'well at least [insert horrible incident here] hasn't happened' or something along those lines. I love to laugh, I love to smile, I have a wonderful family, amazing friends and I'm studying at one of the best universities in the UK. My love life, on the other hand, is non-existant. Yep. That's right. Just before Valentine's Day I'm writing a blog post about my lack of a boyfriend because I'm just that original.
The reason I mention this now is because it occurred to me how ridiculous my situation is a couple of weeks ago while I was sat with a couple of my friends; they weren't close friends, but they were friends all the same. One of my friends and I were talking about a couple of guys across the room and I happened to mention how I thought one of them was pretty good looking and both my friends urged me to go and talk to him.
My response? Well obviously my response was to shrink back inside myself, nervously laugh and say: 'Psht. Don't be silly.' But I realised in that moment how simple it would have been, how so bloody simple it would have been, to just start talking to that guy, after all I talk to new people all the time, but immediately all I could think was: 'He'd just laugh. Why would he want to talk to you anyway? Yeah he's good looking but you look like a foot.' Just the same kind of inner monologue I have going on whenever I see anyone I find remotely attractive.
The worst thing is I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about it because I'm not a shy person. I love talking to new people and I love to crack jokes, I'll happily talk to pretty much anyone, but as soon as the idea of romance comes into the equation I become the most self-conscious person ever. My self-esteem when it comes to this kind of thing is cripplingly low and I hate that it is. I'm so sick and tired of letting this stupid little voice in my head tell me I'm hideous but I don't know how to get out of it. I try all the time to make me feel better about myself, but you can guarantee that on that one day I actually leave the house feeling great something will happen, or someone will say something that just reaffirms everything that little voice in my head thinks, and I just want to crawl back into bed.
The weirdest thing is I don't think I even know why I'm like this. Whenever I do start growing close to someone I'll push them away and I don't know why; I love romance and I love the idea of love, but I'm also terrified of it. My appearance and my self-esteem are things I have been struggling with for years and I still struggle with now, so I just want you to know - yes you - that you're awesome. Just the way you are. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise and, perhaps more importantly, don't let yourself feel that way either.
I'm going to keep trying to feel less shitty about myself until I feel brilliant, because I refuse to let this ridiculous self-esteem get the better of me and I hope, if you find yourself struggling like this, that you keep trying too.
I hope everything's great where you are!